Looking back: "Being bi is a blessing"

"I have come to feel that being bi is a blessing." — Allyson Diane Hamm, bisexual woman

As I approach the end of my time with the Washington Blade, I wanted to take a look back at five articles I wrote that were particularly meaningful to me. Some of these articles won awards, some of these articles made readers cry and some of these articles represent my best work. Among the hundreds of articles I ultimately wrote for the Blade, these are five of which I'm most proud. I hope they resonate with you as much as they do with me.

From Oct. 6, 2006…

COMING OUT BI IS UNIQUE CHALLENGE
Bisexuals say they’re misunderstood, ostracized

By JOSHUA LYNSEN

Gay activist Alexei Guren wasn’t sure what to expect when he came out as bisexual.

As a leading member of several gay organizations in Miami, Guren thought his announcement at age 22 in 1984 might spur some skepticism.

“But I didn’t expect the level of anger and suspicion that I had thrown at me,” he said. “Within a very short time, I had been asked to resign from most of the organizations, and lost the majority of my friends.”

Guren, who had identified publicly as gay since age 16, was labeled a traitor.

“My hurt at their anger and suspicion manifested itself in feelings of anger and betrayal,” he said, “to the point where I relocated to another state so I could begin life anew as a bisexual man.”

Guren’s story was one of many that bisexuals across the United States and as far away as Australia shared with the Blade in advance of National Coming Out Day on Oct. 11.

Many spoke of the negative reactions their announcements generated. Guren, who is now married and living in Tucson, Ariz., said he was accused of abandoning his gay friends and “seeking heterosexual privilege.”

But others, like 36-year-old Dennis Slade of Philadelphia, said family and friends readily accepted the new identity.

Slade, who came out to his mother days before flying to visit with his boyfriend, said he received his mother’s full support.

“In the end, Mom’s actions were better than any verbal response could have been,” he said. “Three days later at six in the morning, she picked me and my boyfriend up from the airport and welcomed us both into her home.”

The more than 30 bisexuals who were interviewed for this article said the mixed reactions they first received — and continue to receive as they openly live their lives — show that few people truly understand bisexuality.

Brenna Walters, a 30-year-old bisexual from Murfreesboro, Tenn., said most people are instead prone to stereotypical assumptions.

“Mostly, to the straight, I’m promiscuous,” she said, “and to the gay, I’m waffling.”

Sheela Lambert, 49, a bisexual activist from New York, said these and other misconceptions are difficult to overcome.

But as more bisexuals come out, she said more people will understand that bisexuality no more defines a person than heterosexuality or homosexuality.

“Bi people are always sexualized in our culture,” Lambert said, “when the reality is that we go to work, make toast, and make our kids do their homework just like everyone else.”

Defying duality

Bisexuality is often misunderstood, an expert said, because it cannot be easily classified.

“People in Western cultures love divisions,” said Dr. Paula Rodríguez Rust, a lesbian. “And when things don’t fit into our categories, we’re not comfortable with them. We don’t understand them.”

Rodríguez Rust, author of “Bisexuality in the United States,” said people sometimes perceive bisexuality as some “middle ground” between straight and gay.

“But there’s nothing middle about it,” she said. “It’s not an issue of half straight, half gay.”

Instead, bisexuals can find a person attractive regardless of that person’s gender.

“Gender doesn’t really come into my mind when I find out I like someone,” said Lori Carter, 19, a bisexual living in North Carolina. “On a purely physical level, I find both sexes to be appealing in different ways.”

Lambert said while she is drawn to the softness of women, she also delights in the muscularity of men.

“Gender is just not a barrier to who I am capable of falling in love with or being attracted to,” she said. “I look for similar personality qualities regardless of the gender of the person.”

Some bisexuals noted while they may prefer one gender, that tendency does not negate their bisexuality.

“I would say that sexuality is fluid,” said Nabila Marrow, a 17-year-old bisexual from Melbourne, Australia. “It changes. Sometimes we may find ourselves attracted to one sex and not the other, or to both. It’s something that we have to roll with.”

Marrow said her parents didn’t immediately understand when she tried to explain.

“When I came out to my parents, my dad asked how I know I can be attracted to females when I haven’t had any experience with them,” she said. “I said that it was simple. How did he know he wasn’t attracted to males if he hadn’t any experience with them? You just know.”

Many bisexuals noted a lack of sexual contact with one gender does not mean they should be suddenly classified as a gay or straight person.

“I could date only women — or only men — for the next 30 years and I would still consider myself bisexual,” said Ivan Boothe, 24, a bisexual in Washington, D.C.

“It’s not about filling some sort of quota in which if you don’t sleep with enough men or women then you’re in danger of losing your status.”

Unwelcome partners?

Dr. Luke Johnsen, who is bisexual and serves as acting medical director of the Whitman-Walker Clinic in Washington, said straight and gay people are sometimes reluctant to accept bisexuals as they would one of their own.

“A lot of bisexuals feel they are not accepted by either group,” he said. “I think there are multiple factors as to why this is happening, but we know this happens.”

That feeling of exclusion was noted by many bisexuals, including 28-year-old Kara Garland of Virginia Beach, Va.

“I do, in some sense, feel like I’m waiting at the gates and have not yet been allowed to enter the gay community,” she said.
Christopher Goodnough, 37, a bisexual from Greensburg, Pa., said the exclusion is sometimes subtle.

“The lack of any organized bi presence at the Pride fests I’ve been to has been a bit disappointing,” he said. “Having the ‘B’ included in LGBT is a good start, but when you pass dozens of booths selling merchandise covered with rainbows, leather colors, bear colors and lesbian themes, you’re lucky to find one sticker with bi colors. It gets a little discouraging.”

Sometimes the effort to exclude bisexuals is more overt. Keri Clinton, a 20-year-old bisexual from Walpole, Mass., said her former college’s gay-straight alliance refused to discuss bisexual issues.

“Some people in the gay community might say it is a step back,” she said. “It is not. It is a strong step forward.”

Shunning bisexuals

Mark Shields, director of the Human Rights Campaign’s Coming Out Project, admitted gays and lesbians sometimes shun bisexuals.

“I think that a lot of gay and lesbian people discount bisexuality because so many people, during their coming out process, identify as bisexual before identifying as gay or lesbian,” said Shields, who is gay.

“The really unfortunate thing is that gay and lesbian people should know — better than anyone else — that someone’s personal attraction is something that’s very personal and something that every person recognizes for him or her self.”

Many bisexuals, such as 35-year-old Allyson Diane Hamm of Allentown, Pa., echoed the sentiment.

“We all deserve that same amount of respect,” Hamm said. “It is just as disrespectful and harmful for a gay or lesbian person to say that bisexuality does not exist as it is for a right-wing fundamentalist to say the homosexuality is a sickness that should be cured.”

But other bisexuals said it’s unfair to expect acceptance from gays or straights.

Mike Killian, a 39-year-old bisexual from Fort Lauderdale, Fla., said bisexuals must foster understanding before they can expect it from others.

“We aren’t exactly running to Pride parades and busting down closet doors,” he said. “If you don’t know any bisexual people, how can you learn to understand and accept them?”

David Cain, a 20-year-old bisexual from Nova Scotia, Canada, agreed.

“Bisexuals and bisexuality,” he said, “hasn’t really pierced the veil of being part and in the minds of the culture at large for more than random moments in time.”

Some bisexuals noted the few bisexual characters shown in entertainment media — such as Heath Ledger’s character in “Brokeback Mountain” and Angelina Jolie’s character in “Gia” — have only perpetuated stereotypes.

To combat these perceptions and foster understanding, Shields and many others interviewed for this article encouraged bisexuals to come out on Oct. 11.

Angelina Argueta, a 28-year-old bisexual from Sacramento, Calif., said honesty is important.

“Being who you are is the only proven happiness that you can give yourself,” she said. “Don’t hide this part of you and be miserable — be proud and strong.”

But another 28-year-old bisexual, Rose Fox of New York, said it’s important to remember that people who come out must be sensitive to those hearing the announcement.

“Remember that you’ve had a long time to figure this out about yourself, and they probably have no idea,” she said. “Tell them what you want from them, whether it’s simple acknowledgement and acceptance of you, acceptance of a new partner, a change in your relationship, or support when you come out to others. That kind of clarity will make it much easier on everyone.”

Many bisexuals said the coming out process might be stressful, but the ability to live openly and honestly is invaluable.

“I have come to feel that being bi is a blessing,” Hamm said. “I feel truly lucky to be able to be attracted to and love more than one gender. I wish more people felt the freedom and joy that being bi can bring.”

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